
Now’s the time to get a new relationship
Now is the time to maybe even get a new relationship, a better relationship, a healthier relationship. Emotionally it could be the opportunity of a lifetime.
by Nikki Bray
Have you ever fought about money in your relationship? I bet you have. I bet that some of your fiercest arguments have involved finances. Money is, and probably always has been, one of the leading causes of conflict in marriage.
Why is that? Why does the issue of money get so much of our mental and emotional real estate?
Let me answer that. It’s because when we’re discussing money, it’s not just about money!
A conversation around money is never just about the practicalities of how the money is to be spent or saved. A conversation around money has a back story and that story includes your family of origin and your values.
We can often underestimate the power of our differing backgrounds. We develop a money mindset from our family of origin and our past experiences, and that mindset informs our beliefs regarding money. I came from a background where money was scarce; we had it and then due to parental divorce we lost it. It was a recurring pattern. And so for me, money represented security, and the way it played out in our marriage was that I was a saver. I planned for financial droughts. Andy’s family wasn’t wealthy, they were wise and careful and they were generous. Andy adopted this mindset. To Andy, money represented freedom, and it was to be enjoyed and spent.
You can imagine that bringing these two different mindsets together was challenging.
I was defending my greater value of security and he was defending his value of freedom.
In the early years of our marriage, it seemed all we ever did was fight about money rather than having healthy discussions. I ended up passing the whole area of finance over to Andy by ‘dropping the ball and walking off the court’. Not a strategy I’d recommend to any couple!
Over time I came ‘back onto court and played ball’. Once we understood and appreciated the values that we were striving for we could then approach the issue with flexibility and an attitude of teamwork.
What helped was viewing our relationship like running a company. When running a company we have to discuss strategy, make five-year plans, have performance reviews with our staff, and of course, make plans around finance. A relationship needs the same attention, and the place to start is to view money matters as you would any other aspect of your relationship. We discuss roles and responsibilities within the home, we talk about children’s schedules, vacations, etc. and finance is just another aspect that needs the same regular attention.
I would suggest the place to start is to make time in your diary so that you can together have a ‘financial meeting’. Maybe begin by asking the other:
If these conversations haven’t gone well in the past, then keep in the forefront of your mind that you want a healthy discussion, not a confrontation. If it gets ‘heated’ then stop and re-schedule. When we get emotional the rational part of our brain shuts down and the conversation will not end well. Instead, recognize that you are emotional and give each other the space and grace to cool down.
How we handle our finances together may be the biggest test of oneness in our marriage.
Now is the time to maybe even get a new relationship, a better relationship, a healthier relationship. Emotionally it could be the opportunity of a lifetime.
It’s easier to blame ‘someone’ than have to look to yourself and take responsibility. Or to realise and acknowledge that mostly ‘stuff just happens’.
Have you been tempted to give up your marriage this year? I’ve talked to many who have, so you aren’t alone.